In Kim's Words

Triggers are wild – the fridge in my new space is not level and rocks when pushed or pulled. Easy fix, I just haven’t done it yet. This morning, I was in the bathroom thinking about the list of things I’d like to do today and for just a second, I saw an image in my mind of someone bent over, looking inside the open fridge, putting their weight on the door, and the fridge rocking a bit. This image took me right back to the night Shawn was leaning on the fridge and it rocked and something fell out. I said something scolding which must have triggered HIM because he grabbed a handful of my hair and pulled me by it through the whole apartment to the bedroom. And then he raped me, over and over.

Triggers are WILD. One moment, I’m itemizing the small things that need to be done in my new space, and in the very next moment, my hands are shaking a little, my heart is beating faster, my mouth is dry, my stomach is churning, blood is rushing to my sex, I feel sad and anxious and fearful, and then my thoughts turn to my daughter and the life we missed together because he made us unsafe which made me feel so out of control and fearful that I handed her to strangers even though MY PARTNER had just shown me that I shouldn’t trust people.

And now I’m supposed to just go back to my list of things to do, right? I’ll just move on from…all of that and get back to life as normal.

I want to make a joke here because, as my mom pointed out yesterday, I’m unwell and one of my coping mechanisms is to laugh at things that aren’t funny.

I’m going to level the fridge today. LOL

#Triggers #ThoughtSpirals #ADHDBrain #Triggered #MentalHealth

Author’s note: It occurs to me that “triggered” is language that perpetuates a culture of violence. I’m not in a space to write about that today, and also don’t know enough at this moment to decide which language to use instead. I will do that work, but I do not have the time or capacity to do it today. I’ve chosen instead to use the word “triggered” because it generally doesn’t need to be defined in today’s culture.